Being neurodivergent, making friends never came easy. I think that’s one thing we can all agree on. So, when we do make a friend, it’s only natural to feel like we have to cling to that friend for as long as we can. Because we can’t guarantee someone else will see us how they do. I suppose that’s why it hurts all the more when those friendships don’t last.

I met my ex best friend, lets call her Lily, when we were 3 years old on our first day in nursery. I had never had a friend before, nor did I go looking for any before that day. I much preferred playing alone than with my sister or my cousins. I think I just viewed other kids as a hinderance. But my mum expressed to me that I needed to make friends in school and if they were the rules then who was I to argue? So I walked in, saw a girl with blonde hair and glasses, went up to her and said “you, be my friend now”, she said “okay” and that was that!

I was friends with Lily for 20 years. I’m nearly 24. Lily was there for every birthday, my sibling’s birthdays, parties, BBQs, sleepovers, breakups, everything. I was at hers too. We were inseparable when we were kids. In fact, when my mum made me change schools in year 5, I was so angry with her because she’d taken me away from my best friend! I didn’t make any friends in my new school because none of them were Lily. Not that we didn’t see each other outside of school. We did. But she was making friends in school and I was just missing out.

When choosing what secondary school to go to, I chose the one she chose so we can go to school together again! By the end of year 7, Lily and I were part of a small group of friends and it felt good. I thought I’d found my people! But by the time we were 18, our small group had dwindled down to just 3 of us after a lot of drama. Me, Lily and a third, let’s call her Kate. We stuck together despite going on separate paths for our careers. I went to college to do art, Lily went a sixth form college, and Kate stayed in the sixth form of our school.

I thought it was always going to be the 3 of us. That is until I was in university. I’d moved to Sheffield for my course as it was the best path for me and I really needed the independence. I thought Lily and Kate knew that. I always wanted to hang out when I was home for holidays and I always offered them to come visit me in Sheffield. But I could feel the strain of all those miles away. Even when I was sat in the same room as them. It became less and less frequent that we’d see each other but when we did, I always felt like the 3rd wheel.

Lily and Kate always spent time together without me when I was in Sheffield which was fine and I expected it! But they got closer until they were the best friends with inside jokes while I was just a friend that wasn’t in on them. That was so unbelievably isolating.

Whilst planning a trip to Paris for Kate’s birthday back in 2022, I had asked for the trip details so that I can price it up. I’m not the most financially stable to say the least so my family offered to help chip in if they can. I asked for the details so we could work out if it was possible, and Kate responded with “Are you sure you and your family can afford it?”. I didn’t think she meant it maliciously so I said that it probably wasn’t the best wording she could’ve used but instead of apologising, she went into a rant about how I wasn’t there for Lily after we’d argued and how I ‘left them’ by going to Sheffield. I decided to never speak to Kate ever again. She’d insulted my family and then dragged my character through the mud without all the facts. No friend would ever do that.

Now, having to be between two of your best friends must be hard but I think Lily had already picked her side long before I stopped speaking to Kate. I was just too stubborn to see it. Her and Kate’s interests aligned a lot more, especially as I was starting to discover more about myself as a neurodivergent person and what that meant. The argument we’d had that Kate referred to was about me not wanting to go on a night out for New Year’s. Lily wanted to go clubbing and I was finally able to say that clubs make me feel uncomfortable so I offered to do something else like see the firework displays. Lily then began saying she didn’t want to stay at home, that it was unfair because I went out with my friends in Sheffield, and that she feels like I don’t want to spend time with her anymore. I didn’t get it. I’d just spent the entire weekend in her house and asked if she wanted to spend New Year’s with me so of course I wanted to spend time with her! I went out with my friends in Sheffield because I felt pressured into it and they always ended up with me drinking water and panicking about how to get home. I also said we could go to displays! I didn’t say stay at home! It felt like she was backing me in a corner to agree to go clubbing so I ended the conversation and we didn’t talk for a little while. I spent New Year’s alone that year.

Lily and I did hang out occasionally after that. We got tattoos together, got our noses pierced together, made a cheeseboard, even went to Pride! We planned a trip to Orlando for our 20 year friendship anniversary for the end of 2023 and if we couldn’t do that, we were going to spend the weekend in London. In each of those moments, I convinced myself that I’d gotten my best friend back only to be crushed by the harsh reality that I’d never compare to Kate. I can’t afford expensive trips or to go to concerts. That’s what Lily wanted to do and she could only do that with Kate.

It was last year, in 2023, that I poured my heart out to Lily, after she’d left my messages unopened for months, saying I feel like I’m losing my best friend because I don’t like clubbing and I can’t afford trips or concerts. Her response was to invite me on a £2500 trip to Orlando, where she knew I wanted to go for our anniversary, with Kate. They’d already been to London together and now Orlando! With the girl who insulted me and my family? Upset doesn’t begin to cover it.

Slowly, I began to notice that Lily had deleted pictures of me off of her social media and created a highlight labelled ‘Kate’ full of all the fun things they did together. Including the meat and cheeseboard that Lily and I did together when Kate wasn’t there. The photos are in my mum’s kitchen and Kate’s a vegetarian! Lily also didn’t wish me a happy birthday last year and I think that’s when I realised it was really over. I’d been miserable for 3 years and I was finally done fooling myself.

I didn’t say anything, I just deleted her off of everything. Unadded her off all my friends lists. It took her a month to notice. I woke up to a message from her one morning asking if she’d done anything wrong to warrant me unadding her. I told her everything as briefly as I could. Told her that this behaviour wasn’t that of my best friend and that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I think a part of me hoped for some recognition of all the damage she’s caused. That she’d see how much she’d hurt me and at least apologise. That maybe we’d have a chance to fix things.

“Okay sorry you feel this way. Wish you the best for the future.”

That’s it. That’s all she had to say. Not even sorry for all she’d done, just that it broke my heart. As for my future? I can’t predict what I’ll be doing in 5 minutes let alone 5 years but for all my life, I thought I could always guarantee that Lily was going to be there! She was my one constant. She was my family! I thought I was hers too…

I guess that’s why I’m writing this now. Months after we last spoke, still just as hurt as I was then. Because Lily is in all my memories, in all my favourite moments from my childhood, in so much of who I am today, and yet that wasn’t enough for her it seems. I hope she’s doing well. I really do. But I also wish she never does to someone else what she did to me.

“Lily”, I wish you all the best for the future too. I’m just sorry you didn’t want me in it.