Long before I even realised I was AuDHD, one of the things that I prominently struggled with was working. I heard my parents complain about how tired they were from their jobs and yet they still managed to do it everyday and still could find the energy to be parents. Even after a full day in school, I was so mentally and socially exhausted that I struggled to sit with my family or even change out of my uniform. I’d just want to lay down and listen to music but there’s mum managing to cook for a family of five whilst my dad cleaned and set the table despite having just gotten home.
When I was 18 and got my first job to help while I was in college, I was so exhausted all the time that I just didn’t feel like myself. I convinced myself that it was because I’d spend all shift on my feet and still walked to and from home. But I’d spend lunch breaks not really wanting to speak, I’d feel anxious all shift, I began dreading going to work, I was so exhausted when I was home, and I often thought about quitting. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way. The job in and of itself was relatively easy. I simply gave free samples out. The other staff around me were so lovely so I never had any issues. On a surface level, there was no reason for me to be feeling so drained.
Perhaps the job was too boring? Well I began working in a bookshop surrounded by books and other bookworms when I was 22, this time knowing I was AuDHD but not yet diagnosed. The same happened again, I was so exhausted and socially drained after every shift that I barely wanted to eat or speak. What was happening? I love books! I shouldn’t be dreading going to work now, surely? Perhaps it’s the commute? Or being around loads of people?
I started working from home answering calls for a discount scheme in late 2023. My work coach had suggested this job to me as she believed that not having the pressure of being around people or commuting places would help rid that horrible exhaustion. The job itself was absolutely horrendous, as were the managers, and I was more exhausted than ever. I cried and panicked before every shift, I took a lot of personal breaks, and I was always so angry and irritable when my shift ended. My poor partner had to deal with a not-so-happy Abby. But I was no longer living with my parents, which meant I had to be… *shudder* an adult! I had to not only make decisions about dinner, but also make it! And clean afterwards! I was so tired from work and just didn’t have it in me to do those things alone and I’m forever thankful for my partner being there to help me.
But why was I always so exhausted? I no longer had to commute any further than the spare bedroom of my own house and it was just the dogs at home with me. Surely, the exhaustion and the stress would be gone? But no, I was now worse than ever. It turns out, my exhaustion is actually something called Autistic Fatigue. Autistic Fatigue is when an Autistic person is easily exhausted or burnt-out due to social expectations or sensory overload. I’m already experiencing a long-term Autistic Burnout after completing my degree and I hadn’t quite gotten the chance to recuperate as I had to start earning money straight away. So, added on to the fact that I was already burnt-out and then had to mask during work (yes, even over the phone), it was inevitable that I’d just drop come the end of each shift.
But what to do? Work can’t expect me to only work when I feel productive and only at a level I feel comfortable. No employer would ever hire someone that can only speak to people in moderation. Well, after a lot of discussion with my work coach, we decided that I should try being self-employed. That way, I could set my own pace, do something I enjoy, and still do other chores during. It also really helps not having the pressure of other people’s expectations of what I do, how I do it, when I do it, or even if I do it. That’s why I started this blog. I really enjoy sharing my experiences with people, educating people on Autism and ADHD, and helping others and I get to do it in a way that isn’t so demanding or scary. I get to post whatever and whenever I like.
Being self-employed isn’t always easy though. The money isn’t always predictable or guaranteed. But for me, the first struggle was the lack of structure. A lot of Autistic people thrive in structured timetables but many ADHDers will struggle with schedules and, unfortunately, I am both. So, I create a loose schedule to stick by.
I’ll get up at 7:30-8am ish if I can, I’ll eat the same meal every morning (cereal and a cup of coffee), I’ll shower and get dressed, quick chores (i.e putting a wash on or putting dishes away), at 12pm I eat the same meal as I do for every lunch (ham butty and a packet of crisps), and then it’s either blogging, drawing, or cleaning until my partner comes home, until I’m finished, or until I’m tired. I keep it flexible so I don’t feel pressured, and I never put specific tasks on my schedule so I don’t feel like I’ve failed if there’s something I didn’t do. I put a choice of tasks instead!
I may not have been built to climb corporate ladders or even work a standard 9-5. I may not be earning millions or even a decent wage! But I am successful in my own right in that I’ve found what makes me tick. This is what works for me and it may not work for every AuDHDer and that’s okay! You have to find what works best for you! Though I hope many people find this post helpful!
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