I really struggle doing a lot of things. Chores, planning, work, making decisions, time management, etc. I really struggle with it all and always have done. I’m even struggling to type this post! Now, I’m not saying I’m bad at those things or that I’m incapable. I just struggle starting them or getting them done.
I remember when I was a teenager, my parents would ask me to do something and I’d be telling myself over and over to just get it done but then I’d blink and the day would be over. Then comes the scolding. I didn’t do what my parents asked because I was ‘lazy’ or I ‘didn’t care’ and they never ask for much, just a bit of help. Why won’t I help? The thing is that I wanted to and I didn’t mind doing the odd chore on my own accord but I’d often find myself in moments where I just couldn’t do a thing.
Sometimes it would feel like my brain is screaming at me “Just do it! Do the thing! JUSTDOITJUSTDOITJUSTDOIT!!!” and my body wouldn’t move or do what I needed to. Sometimes it’s like time just vanishes. I’ll say “Yeah I’ll do that! Let me just do this first.” but by the time ‘this’ is done, it’s already been hours! Other times it just feels like doing something is really upsetting me. It can seem a bit silly but the idea of a chore can be upsetting and then even more upsetting if I can’t force myself to do it.
My entire life I’ve experienced this and I’d often think of myself as ‘lazy’ like my parents said. ‘Lazy’, ‘useless’, ‘selfish’ are all these horrible labels that stuck to me like glue and yet I knew deep down they weren’t true. How could I be lazy if I felt so exhausted all the time? How could I be useless if I really did try or did other things just not that one? How could I be selfish if I truly did want to help? It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I was looking into ADHD and what that means, that I discovered that those labels weren’t true at all. I was experiencing executive dysfunction and ADHD paralysis.
Executive Dysfunction
Executive function skills are the cognitive processes we need to organise thoughts and activities, plan, manage time, make decisions, or even managing emotions. They’re used every day in work, to manage a home, to do chores, to cook a meal, everything. Executive Dysfunction describes when those skills aren’t working as they should.
People with ADHD will experience Executive Dysfunction all. the. time. They may describe being able to spend hours on something they’re interested in but physically and mentally struggling to do anything boring or tedious. That’s because we’re all dopamine motivated and anything that we find interesting gives us dopamine so our brains fixate on it and leads us into a state of Hyperfocus. However, if it does not give us dopamine and it’s a nasty horrible boring chore, our brains can (and will) say “No thanks! I don’t want to do that!” which leaves us stuck. Sometimes the brain just panics and says “AH! Where do we start?! There’s so much to do!” or it just wants to do something else.
There are even times when Executive Dysfunction can affect the things we WANT to do! I love writing blogposts, drawing, painting, and reading and I want to spend more time on those things but the reason I don’t is Executive Dysfunction. My hobbies require a lot of time and focus so sometimes my brain will pull an ‘I don’t wanna’ despite the dopamine train taking me in that direction. Other times I find that, even if I get all the chores and housework done in the morning and have plenty of time for something I want to do, even if I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’ll still not do them because my Executive Dysfunction won’t allow me to.
It’s overwhelming and incredibly difficult being in constant battle with our brains of what we need to do and what we want to do. From the outside it can look like we’re dawdling and doing ‘side quests’ to avoid doing what we’re asked. We can be perceived as lazy, selfish, ignorant, etc but what you don’t see is the turmoil happening inside our heads. We are SCREAMING at ourselves to just do what we need to do or what was asked. It is so exhausting. We burn through so much energy just trying to do the task at hand.
ADHD Paralysis
Then there’s ADHD Paralysis. Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you went in there so you just stand there for a moment trying to process? Or ran a game with a lot going on in it so it just keeps crashing? Or even had so many tabs open on a laptop and it runs really slowly and then crashes? That’s ADHD Paralysis.
ADHD Paralysis is when we literally get stuck. We have things to do but the battle with our brain brought out no winners, just each other in a headlock clinging on unrelenting. Now, outwardly, it doesn’t appear like you’ve been cast with Petrificus Totalus where you go rigid and can’t move. It can look like we’re just sitting there on our phones or doing something else. But the internal wildfire that’s brewing is burning right through our energy. We’re not just watching Reels, we’re doom-scrolling and constantly thinking about the thing we need to do.
But nothing can force us to get up and do it. We can know what to do and how to do the thing. We can even WANT to do said thing but we just cannot seem to take action. It’s so frustrating and discouraging. It really does feel like we’re paralysed.
Tips and Tricks
I saw a post somewhere that said having ADHD feels like fighting to put 350% of effort 100% of the time, achieving 50% of what others achieve, and being treated like they only put in 10%. It can feel like that! Especially in a World where constant and consistent productivity is not just praised but expected. We see neurotypicals just doing things all day everyday and it’s hard not to compare ourselves. But we don’t function as they do and we need to cater to our own needs. So here’s some things that may help!
Countdown: Count backwards from 5, wiggle your toes, and get up and do the thing! Or get someone to count backwards from 5 and then say “Go! Go! Go! GO!!” without leaving any room for your brain to argue!
Sensory Grounding: (This tip is especially great for ADHD Paralysis but also great for Panic/Anxiety Attacks!) Look around the room and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Then try to get up and do the thing!
Re-grounding yourself: As simple as stepping away and breathing. Take 30 seconds or a minute to just step away from the big scary task and focus on your breathing. Deep breaths if need be (inhale through nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale through mouth for 4 seconds). You may find the task to be not so intimidating when you come back to it.
Write it down: If you’re struggling to organise your thoughts or make a decision, try putting pen to paper. I was constantly making Mind Maps in college and uni because it made my thoughts just seem a little less chaotic.
Pav(love) Yourself: Remember how good it felt getting a sticker for good work in school? Or getting a £5 from Grandad just because you’d seen him and ate all your food? (I’m 24. I still get £5 from Grandad for eating my dinner.) Remember how you were motivated to do more good work or see Grandad more often? Do that. Little bit of chocolate, a facemask, or 30mins gaming time. A little reward for doing the thing.
None of these tips are completely fool-proof but they can help sometimes. Find what works best for you.
Important things to remember:
Executive Dysfunction is NOT laziness – Being lazy means actively choosing not to do something and opting to disregard the task. Experiencing Executive Dysfunction is not a choice and is actually quite exhausting.
Your worth is not measured by your productivity – Didn’t get anything done today? Great! You let your body rest! You ticked off only 2 things on your list of 5 things to do? Look at you go! You did so much! You didn’t do chores but you finally read your book? Good for you! You’re so good at taking care of your brain.
It’s okay to feel frustrated – ADHD rage is real and it’s normal to feel a bit annoyed when things don’t go how you want or need them to. But it’s not the end of the world! You’ll be okay. Just take a breather.
Be kind to yourself – I know I’ve said this on a few posts but, sadly, I find many neurodivergent people haven’t been taught how to.
Excellent sources of info:
Honourable mentions:
@doneadhd on Instagram – ‘How to Prevent ADHD Shutdown’ post
@an.nalogy on Instagram – ‘ADHD Paralysis’ post
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