A while ago, back in 2022 when I had just finished uni, I was really struggling to find work. I was with the Job Centre and on all these sites just applying to pretty much anything just so I could save up and move out. Eventually, I was just emailing companies I liked, asking if they had any jobs available in my city. One of those places was a bookshop I loved going to and they responded saying they had a Christmas Temp job available and I asked about an interview immediately.

By this point, it had already been over a year since my Autism referral and I was pretty open about possibly being AuDHD. So, when I went for my interview with this bookshop, I told them about my referral and how I also think I have ADHD. They said on their site that they were Disability Confident as did the interviewer so I felt comfortable saying I may ask to work in the back occasionally or may need to take a 5 minute break if I felt overwhelmed. The interviewer was also very understanding that I sometimes struggle with tone. My CV showed that I had worked in customer service many times before and I had always been told I was good at it so I wasn’t worried at all!

I was very excited when they said I had gotten the job as I absolutely love reading and I could talk about books all day. Which I was now getting paid to do! Of course I let every staff member around me know about my referral as well. Like I said, I was open about it and, luckily, everyone seemed to be so understanding. I was there for maybe 2 months? And I had only asked to work in the back or take 5 minutes once or twice. I loved my job. I got to talk about books I love, books I’m excited to read, and I got so many good book recommendations that my Goodreads account nearly crashed! A few of the people I worked with were so lovely and I truly felt like I had found my people. Sure, there were a few people who maybe thought I was a bit weird and were a bit off with me but I’m used to that by now. I went back to Sheffield for my graduation in mid-November and came back home to a job I loved. My life finally felt like I was on the right track and I felt hopeful which is not something I feel too often, unfortunately.

They say that ‘all good things must come to an end’ but this good thing came to a really bad, really premature end. I was hoping that, once the Christmas term was over, they’d give me a permanent role there! But one morning, I came in for my shift and after our daily briefing, two of the managers called me into their office for a ‘chat’. They informed me that they were letting me go. I instantly felt that lump in my throat but I asked if they could explain why as I had had no warnings. They said that I had been late a few times but, as far as I was aware, I had only been late once when the bus routes changed due to it being Remembrance Day. Then they said something I didn’t expect.

They had apparently been told by other staff members that I had been rude to customers. I don’t think I’ve ever been called rude before! I always try to be nice to everyone, especially when working. Not to mention, I had had loads of customers tell me that they enjoyed my service and one or two even specifically asked for me! So none of this made sense! I asked how exactly I had been rude to customers and the managers told me it was because I didn’t really look anyone in the eye and that I was fidgeting when a customer was talking to me.

Now, I understand that Autism and ADHD are extremely complex and that a lot of people aren’t fully aware of what they can look like. However, I had very openly spoken about my traits including the lack of eye-contact and the fidgeting. I was more than happy to answer questions in the staff room when people asked me “Hey, why do you think you have Autism and ADHD?” and I get really excited to talk about these things in extensive detail (hence this blog I suppose!) so surely the staff knew about those traits?

I mentioned my referral again to the managers and that I had let their staff know but their faces told me that they weren’t aware. They looked panicked. This didn’t change anything though. I got my stuff out of the staff room and I left.

I tried really hard to keep the tears in as I walked out but as soon as I called my mum, they just wouldn’t stop! I cried and cried because I blamed myself. Why don’t people like me? Why can’t I do these things? Why can’t I keep a job? Why can’t I just be ‘normal’?

I let it all out to my mum on the phone, in the middle of the city centre, about how difficult I really find everything. I hadn’t been truly honest with her or myself about how much I was struggling with this referral. I’d put on a brave face because I didn’t want to be pitied for something I can’t change but deep down I wished it wasn’t true. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Hold a job, make friends, not struggle to do basic things.

Mum couldn’t pick me up from town so I had to get the bus whilst crying. I just couldn’t stop beating myself up. Mum tried to comfort me by saying different things, ‘they just needed an excuse to get rid of some staff’ ‘there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just unique!’. Bless her. She really tries but sometimes she just doesn’t have the right thing to say. Who would in that moment?

When I got my letter of termination, they stated that it was just because I was late. Nothing about being rude to customers. Apparently, being on time to your job means you’re actually late. How was I meant to know? I never missed a briefing so I didn’t see why it was a problem. They paid me to be in from 10am until 5pm. If they wanted me to be in at 9:30am, then surely they would pay me from 9:30?

It’s been over a year now and at one point I stopped being sad about it and instead got angry. I realised that it wasn’t my fault, it was theirs! I wished that I had recorded everything. I wanted to do damage to their image. But as time went on, the less it seemed worth it. I’m now at a point where it was just a crappy thing that happened to me once and I’m fully aware that it was not my fault and that I shouldn’t change anything about myself. I just need to find what works for me. Their loss on a great employee!