Yesterday, I experienced a brutal meltdown that left me in tears and my poor partner (who hasn’t been feeling well at all) a little bit confused. It was seemingly out of the blue to him but he pushed his confusion to the side and handled it so brilliantly! Because meltdowns are a part of my experience and now his. But what are meltdowns?

Meltdowns:

Meltdowns are the ‘Big Feelings’ just bursting out because everything just feels TooMuchTooMuchTooMuch. A meltdown is an intense response to an autistic person feeling overwhelmed by a situation and temporarily losing control of their behaviour. This loss of control can be shown in many ways; shouting, screaming, crying, smacking, kicking, hiding, etc. Some of the physical behaviours like smacking, scratching, hair-pulling can also be self-inflicted. For me, I mostly hide under my quilt in foetal position, press the heel of my palms into my ears, screw my eyes closed and sob. Yesterday, I was sat at the dining table so I couldn’t hide and didn’t have my quilt which resulted in me hitting my heels against the chair legs repeatedly whilst crying and clutching my ears.

On the outside, meltdowns can look a little worrying to anyone witnessing that behaviour. But what that autistic person is feeling in those moments is so much bigger than worrying about being perceived. I’ve had meltdowns where I’ve felt like my entire World is crashing down before my eyes and I’m rushing to tie it back together with string but it’s not enough. I’ve had meltdowns that feel like I’m being crushed by this immense pressure from every angle. I can feel it on the outside pushing in and the inside pushing out. I’ve even had meltdowns where I’ve been so angry that I feel like my anger is going to burst out of me in the form of flames and set the World on fire, engulfing me first. Meltdowns can feel so intense.

But what causes them? Well, that can be a number of things. When it comes to meltdowns, a big reaction does not always mean a big cause. It can be something like plans changing last minute or feeling overstimulated. Yesterday, my meltdown was caused because the kettle was on, the dryer was on, one of my dogs was barking, the other was eating loudly, I was hungry but didn’t want any of the options we had in, my legs were killing from a strenuous several-hour walk I’d done the day before, and I was itchy everywhere for literally no reason. Seemingly minor things individually to a neurotypical person but imagine feeling/hearing all of those things more intensely and all at once. It’s enough to make anyone short-circuit, in my opinion.

It can also be a big thing. Something important. My 18th birthday is probably one of my most prominent memories of a meltdown I’ve had despite the fact that I didn’t know that it was a meltdown or that I was even autistic at the time! Nothing about that day was what I wanted. I didn’t like big parties or being the centre of attention so initially I just wanted a small get-together of my friends and I. My mum then started saying things like “Oh but your Uncle So-and-So wanted to come!” or “But what about *insert name of cousin whom I barely know*! They haven’t seen you in ages!” and I started to feel cornered. My mum loves a party. Loves being around people and having a few drinks (That’s English for ‘She loves getting hammered’) but I’m the exact opposite. I also really struggle saying no to my mum because she’s extremely stubborn.

Before I knew it, my small get-together had turned into a hired venue with a buffet and a bar. I didn’t even get to wear what I wanted! The only thing I’d managed to put my foot down about was a spray-tan which, after my Prom when I was 15, was a hard pass. But because I’d disagreed to a spray-tan, I was now ‘too pale’ to wear the pink dress I liked and ended up getting a burgundy one which was still pretty but also pretty tight on me. My heels were too tall, I wasn’t used to walking in heels either (I’m more of a crocs or trainers kind of gal) so I could barely move around! What a great start to the night.

Then there was the pressure to drink. I was 18! I could do it legally now! But that didn’t mean I wanted to or even had to. I wasn’t in the mood for it. I was uncomfortable and surrounded by people I barely knew despite them being family. I did not want to be there. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday to me (a tradition I beg will die off already), everyone surrounded the table I was sat at, vague faces leering over me in the party lights, chanting ominously in a less than enthusiastic tune. The DJ, a generous term given he played the songs off of Spotify using a Bluetooth speaker, tried to bring me up on stage. It felt like the air around me had started to poison me. I have a vague recollection of my younger sister, 16 at the time, chewing the DJ out for trying to get me on the stage and then being outside in the cold. I had ran out of my own party.

I got a taxi home, changed into something comfy and just slept. The next day, my mum told me that I had embarrassed myself by running out. But looking back, I did the right thing. Sure, my mum and two of my friends were mad at me for running out but I did what I had to! If I’d tried to stay and stick it out to the end, the situation could’ve ended up more dire.

So, now you know what a meltdown is, what it can feel like, what can cause them, and the worst birthday I’ve ever had! But how can we support ourselves or others when it comes to meltdowns? Well, the biggest advice I can offer to autistic people is know what best helps you. Similarly, the biggest advice I can offer non-autistic people that want to support their autistic friend/ partner/ loved one is know what best helps them! Ask questions when they’re not experiencing a meltdown (that bit is important) about if they’d prefer a hug or no hugs, weighted blanket or no, headphones or ear-defenders or no, etc etc etc. Said autistic person is non or partially verbal? That’s fine! Yes or No questions exist! Communication, in any way, is extremely important.

Each person will have their own experiences when it comes to meltdowns and will also have their own preferences as to how they’re supported in those moments. Personally, I like having my headphones or my ear-defenders on, no noise at all, a warm weighted blanket, and something to squeeze like a stress-ball or those little squishy toys (I call them squishies). If my partner is with me, he’ll ask if I want a cuddle to which I’ll either nod or shake my head in response. If I say yes, he lays on top of me like a weight and completely engulfs me, rubbing soothing circles on my back. If I say no, he’ll sit quietly until I’m calm enough to get out of my lil’ pit.

Post-meltdown care is also crucial. Don’t force yourself to get straight back into work/productivity straight away! That’ll just do more harm than good! Have a nap, make some tea, watch a movie or show, do a facemask, or even go outside and get some fresh air! Whatever works for you to help take care of yourself. Relaxation is equally as important as working hard.

Important things to remember:

A meltdown is not the same as a temper tantrum – do not treat it as such by punishing someone, even if they’re a child, for having one.

Meltdowns are perfectly normal. You are not alone and it is not embarrassing (thank you very much, Mum /s)

Everyone will have different and unique experiences with meltdowns. Don’t compare yourself to others based on how, why, or when your meltdowns occur or even how your meltdowns are handled.

Be kind to yourself. Meltdowns are never easy for anyone involved but especially the person experiencing them. Try not to beat yourself up and know that you are not a burden. You are not weird. You are golden. Meltdowns and all.

An excellent source of info(click here)

I speak about Shutdowns in a separate post!