One thing about me that’s been consistent throughout my entire life is that I hate feeling embarrassed. In anyway shape or form. Messing up my words, getting something wrong, giving an incorrect answer, slipping, falling, being drunk, etc. Nope. No thanks. I’d rather not be seen at all than be seen doing something embarrassing.
Even as a kid, my teachers would constantly tell me to stop scribbling out spelling mistakes, incorrect answers, or miscalculations in my school work because they’d want to see me correct my own mistakes but I didn’t want them to see that I’d made any mistakes at all. Instead of neat crossings out, my teachers would find big blocks of scribble, almost like inverted Tipp-Ex, covering my wrong answers. They’d tell me that they wanted to see how I noticed my mistake and how I corrected it but I just couldn’t let them see me as stupid.
I get very irritated if I mess my words up and my family keep bringing it up or pointing it out. I stop drinking after 2-3 drinks because I don’t want to do something in my drunken state that’ll embarrass me when I’m sober again. I thought this was anxiety for years. I didn’t have an answer as to why I had such visceral reactions to other things, like being called lazy or a liar though. Or why I’d get so upset when a joke was made at my expense. Or when I was told I talk too much, or even if I just got the feeling like no one wanted to listen to me, why I’d get this deep pain in my chest that made me feel like no one cared about me. But now I do and surprise! It’s not anxiety. It’s RSD!
RSD:
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is when a person has such a strong, emotional pain towards ‘rejection’. Whether that ‘rejection’ is genuine or perceived, is being told to change something about yourself, or even just being told that there’s something ‘wrong’ with you. If you have RSD, you’ll feel it so deep in your soul. Whilst most people dislike the feeling of rejection, the feelings that come with RSD are so much stronger and more painful. They can be harder to manage, especially if impulsivity is mixed in, and that can lead to outbursts. People with RSD can also interpret vague interactions as rejection, such as a person looking at their phone and seeming disinterested when being spoken to, and may find it hard to control their reaction.
Now, ‘why am I talking about RSD on my blog about AuDHD?’ you ask? Well, whilst RSD isn’t an officially recognised diagnosis or even a symptom, it is a term that many experts will use in connection to recognised disorders such as ADHD. Many people with ADHD, especially those diagnosed in their adulthood, will have spent much of their life being told that they talk too much, that they are too much, they’re too hyper, too fast, too much of this, too much of that, etc. Many of us find that we often get spoken over or even straight up ignored. All of that can build up and up until we feel so strongly about rejection because we’ve spent so long being told we’re bad at being neurotypical but never that we’re good at being ourselves.
One thing that can play a pretty big role in RSD is Emotional Dysregulation. A lot of you ADHD folk will recognise that term because Emotional Dysregulation is one of the very well known symptoms of ADHD! If someone has Emotional Dysregulation, their emotions can sometimes seem out of proportion to what they’re reacting to. Just like RSD can make it seem like someone is reacting to rejection or criticism a lot more than what’s deemed ‘necessary’.
People with RSD can feel severe anxiety or other negative emotions before an anticipated rejection even if it’s not a guaranteed rejection. We can have trouble finding the positives of an interaction if a rejection has been perceived (including moments when it was misinterpreted). Nonpositive interactions, like vague or neutral ones, can be seen as nothing but rejection and people with RSD may react as such. We almost always miss out the ‘constructive’ part of Constructive Criticism and only focus on the criticism. If I had a pound for every time my parents said to me “You love to focus on the negatives!” I’d probably wipe away my RSD tears with cash (probably not though because UK money is plastic now and waterproof. Ew).
RSD can present itself in many ways other than seemingly disproportionate emotional reactions to rejection. Many people with RSD can very easily feel embarrassed or self-conscious. Like me, feeling embarrassed when I mess up my words and feeling that physical pain of rejection when people joke about it. We often have low self-esteem issues and have trouble believing in ourselves. A lot of times this can lead to Impostor Syndrome or even Body Dysmorphia.
When it comes to losing control of emotions with RSD, reacting to rejection can be expressed outwards like sudden rage or even bursting into tears! We can’t control our feelings when we feel rejected so sometimes it’s released inwardly as well, this will most likely be due to us not feeling like we can express our emotions or because we don’t want to be rejected further by being told that we’re ‘overreacting’. When we turn our feelings inward, it can look like a very sudden shift into a severe depression. Oftentimes, this can be mistaken with the emotional shifts that happens with people with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
RSD people can tend to ‘People Please’ as a way to avoid rejection or the disapproval of others. ‘People Pleasers’ often go to such lengths to people please that they ignore they’re own needs and boundaries. The fear of failure can lead us to avoid projects or tasks, or even strive for perfection in them. Perfectionism, though, can lead to extreme anxiety and neglecting our duty to ourselves and the care we need.
Although I know now that being rejected by a neurotypical world isn’t bad (nor difficult), RSD still holds a sizable space in my life. I often find myself getting very upset when I feel like my partner isn’t listening. Even a slight change in his tone can send my mind reeling and that awful pain in my chest appears. My family love a good laugh and sometimes at each others’ expense but they don’t seem to realise that I hate being the punchline of a joke. I’m working very hard to teach myself that my partner isn’t bored of me, that he isn’t annoyed by me, and that he isn’t lying when he compliments me. I work hard almost every day to teach myself those things but I have my good days and my bad days. Progress is not linear.
Important things to remember:
Your duty to yourself and your boundaries are important. Rest when you need to, eat and stay hydrated, and don’t agree to things you’re uncomfortable with or cannot do.
Your emotions and how you express them are valid. Others may not understand it, but many people out there do. I do!
The only opinion about yourself that should matter is yours. Embrace who you are. How you look, how you communicate, how you feel, etc. It’s all part of you and no one else should get a say in that.
A lot of this is easier said than done. I can guarantee you that my partner will read those last 3 points and tell me to take my own advice. I am! I promise! But you don’t unlearn a lifetime of rejection overnight and it will have a lot of ups and downs. That’s okay! Things take time and PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR. I honestly cannot stress that enough.
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