I’ve come a long long way since I started my AuDHD journey and I’ve gained an amazing support system. But I’ve also lost a few friends whilst coming to terms with what makes me comfortable and what doesn’t.

It’s well known that a lot of ADHDers tend to be people pleasers and it doesn’t come as easy to us to set boundaries. In my journey through discovering I’m AuDHD and learning what that meant, I also had to unlearn a lot of unhealthy behaviours such as being a people pleaser. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being there for others and supporting those around you but the difference between that and being a people pleaser is if you are costing yourself your energy, time, or health. Being there for those you care about and that care about you should not be at your own expense. I know. Crazy, right?

I’m still learning to set healthy boundaries but one thing I know for sure is that those who truly care for you will respect your boundaries, and that those who don’t respect them don’t respect you either. As scary as it is, there will be people out there that you’d even end up calling a friend that would still walk all over you. That happened to me way too many times and as tough as those times were, I came out stronger and (a tiny bit) wiser from them. Though reading something like this would’ve been quite helpful before all of those tough times!

I wrote a post a few months ago called The Friendship That Broke Me where I spoke about my ex best friend ‘Lily’ and how she treated me towards the end of our friendship. Our problems within the friendship truly began when Lily didn’t respect my boundaries about going clubbing. I told her it made me uncomfortable being in an environment that felt like an attack on my senses and instead of finding something we’d both be happy doing, like a good friend would’ve, she tried to guilt me into clubbing. I’m happy to say I stood my ground and didn’t go clubbing but it did open my eyes to the harsh reality that someone I’d loved for 20 years would rather me feel overwhelmed than to compromise with me.

There had been times where I had been clubbing with people from uni and that’s because I hadn’t yet learned how to say no. One particular friend of mine always seemed to find a way to force me out and it took me a long time to realise I should’ve been putting myself first in those situations. I should’ve said “Clubbing isn’t really my thing but I’m happy to go to a bar or get something to eat! Maybe we could do that instead?” rather than placing myself in a situation that made me feel scared or overwhelmed.

I still have a long way to go in terms of learning just how to set healthy boundaries and enforce them but I now know to surround myself with people that respect my boundaries. If someone in my life continuously crosses my boundaries then they simply don’t deserve to be around me.

Set healthy boundaries for yourself and enforce them. Friends may have different reactions to your boundaries but the only reactions you should accept are the positive or supporting ones. Remember that people are only human and you may occasionally have to remind people of your boundaries but if it becomes a repetitive pattern of the same person or persons overstepping your boundaries, it may be time to reflect on that relationship and if you should minimise interactions. Helping or being there for others shouldn’t be at your expense. You have a duty to yourself first and foremost.

An excellent source of info:

I learned a lot more about boundaries from The Mini ADHD Coach’s summary of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It’s four parts and is about four minutes reading time all together (one minute per part).

You can find the summary on Substack here.

“Set Boundaries, Find Peace” can be found on the Amazon wishlist under ‘AuDHD and Helpful Things’ at the top of this page or the direct link is here.