A while ago, I made a post about setting boundaries with friends and how important it is for yourself and others to respect those boundaries. However, I didn’t really talk about setting boundaries with family.

Believe me when I say that I know what it’s like to have family that just doesn’t understand you. My parents are extroverts that love going on nights out, getting drunk, loud music, making new friends, and being in crowds whereas I’d rather spend the night at home, snuggled up on the couch with my partner and the dogs, reading a book or gaming. But our differences go so much deeper than that too. Sometimes, when I talk to them, I feel like I must be speaking in a different language and what I’m trying to say is lost in translation. Other times, it feels like they’re just pretending to understand me or just tolerating me. All the time though, it can feel like they don’t want to understand me and that they’d rather I just be more like them.

It can be exhausting being in that kind of environment and I find myself mentally preparing for interactions with my family beforehand because I know it’ll be loud, or someone will feel argumentative, or lines will be crossed. That’s why setting boundaries with family is so important too.

Now, I’m very aware of how much more difficult it is to set boundaries or say ‘no’ to members of your family, especially parents. We’ve been fed the narrative that ‘family comes first’ from a very young age but I can tell you from experience that that is not true. No one is entitled to your time, energy, or space except you. Not even your flesh and blood. If you need time to yourself, take it! If you can’t help your mum look after the kids because you’re not comfortable with it, then don’t! Don’t put yourself in unhealthy situations for the sake of your family.

It is much easier said than done. My family are so stubborn and have a tendency to get upset when I say no to them. But there are many subtle ways you can set a boundary. When I moved out, I made jokes about not liking spontaneous visitors show up on my door without me expecting them. I said things like “it gives me an excuse to tidy up!” and “I’d rather make sure I have enough tea and coffee for more than one person!” which are all true but mostly I just needed my family to not show up unannounced so I could have time to mentally prepare for a visit.

No one in my family has done any research into Autism or ADHD and what that can be like for me. They don’t even ask me questions because they just assume they know everything about me! As a result, there’s a few topics of conversation that I try to avoid with my family, like jobs and making friends, because I know they’ll just say something that’ll upset me. They won’t have thought what things can be like from my perspective and just thought I was being difficult. When they do upset me, I silently avoid them for a while. If they text, I’ll respond shortly but casually so it doesn’t seem like I’m upset with them but I won’t go to see them for a while.

I love my family but I find myself working harder the older I get to navigate around them and it can be truly exhausting! I come home and I’m allowed to be myself and be honest about my feelings in the company of my partner but I don’t always have that luxury with my own blood. However, if I told them as much, they’d take offense and try to pin it on me for being ‘dramatic’ or ‘difficult’ rather than listening to me. That’s why I’ve made it so they know I’m okay if I don’t call them or visit. If they don’t hear from me, they don’t get worried or reach out to me because they know I’d rather be alone. That way, if I need a break from seeing them or lower my contact with them, I can without my family getting defensive.

It’s important to set boundaries but it’s also important to keep yourself safe so learning other ways to set boundaries that don’t include being upfront can really benefit you.

No one is entitled to your time, energy, or space except you.