In a recent post, I wrote about meltdowns and how I experience them. I, like many other autistic people, can also experience shutdowns. It’s very rare I shutdown but when I do, it’s almost like every bit of light that made me Me has gone out. In my brain, it’s like I’ve placed my mind, my emotions, and my passions on lockdown. Nothing can get out. So, what is a shutdown? What are they like?
Shutdowns:
A shutdown is essentially the opposite of a meltdown. They’re when the ‘Big Feelings’ get so big that we can’t express them so we just don’t (not necessarily by choice). Sometimes shutdowns can occur after a meltdown as a way to ‘reset’ back to normal. It can sometimes feel like a large switch has been turned off after a surge of electricity so we can have time to recharge. Or a computer overheating and making that loud noise and then suddenly going into sleep mode and the noise disappearing as it cools.
As with meltdowns, shutdowns can appear differently depending on the individual. It can present as unresponsiveness, an inability to speak or move, staring, assuming a monotone voice, a need to be alone, heaviness in limbs, feeling mentally “far away”, no energy, or a difficulty forming thoughts if any at all. People around me who have witnessed one of my shutdowns have described it as me being a shell of who I am. From the outside it can appear similar to a depressive episode.
Last time I had a big shutdown, I’d been arguing with my family because of yet another miscommunication. They had been screaming at me and hadn’t allowed me the space to explain myself or my thought process. At this point, I did know I was autistic and they knew I was seeking a diagnosis. I remember going upstairs feeling so upset and angry that I could explode but once I’d gotten to the safety of my bedroom, it’s like all those emotions were blocked. I don’t know if it was because I felt like I wasn’t in a safe enough space to truly express what I felt without my parents hearing me and it backfiring or if it was because I couldn’t even find the words to write those feelings down in my journal. But what I felt in that moment, all that anger and loneliness, was too much for my brain to process. That unfathomable amount of emotion seemed to paralyse me.
I spent hours lying on my bed in absolute silence. Just staring at the wall. I didn’t speak to anyone, not even through text. It’s not like I didn’t want to, it was like I couldn’t speak. I didn’t come down to eat either. I don’t think I even felt hungry. I just lay and thought about how something so minor turned into a screaming match. I can’t even remember what it was because it was that insignificant. That fact alone left me spiralling. Did my family hate me that much? Did they really want to pick a fight with me that badly? Why couldn’t they just understand? Every new thought led me further and further into my shutdown. The next day, I slowly began talking again. My family acted like nothing happened and so did I. Eventually, I think they forgot about it. But I never did.
Most autistic people can sometimes sense when a shutdown is about to happen. It can sometimes feel like I’m regressing into myself and slowly closing up but there are times when the overwhelm just hits me out of nowhere and a shutdown happens before I’ve realised what’s going on. That’s why, as with meltdowns, recognising what can cause shutdowns is always very useful.
The causes can be very similar to the causes of meltdowns. Overstimulation, sensory or emotional overload, being unable to process a difficult topic, feeling cornered into making a quick decision, feeling sick or stressed. The list goes on. For me, it’s normally emotional overload that can lead to a shutdown. My emotions can sometimes feel just too big and scary that I can’t process them at all so my brain just chooses not to process anything at all.
Shutdowns (again, like meltdowns) can be extremely mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. It’s important to take care when handling one. I’ll start this off with my most important piece of advice; shutdowns take time. Take as long as you need to ride it out. Don’t worry, the World will keep turning! In that same regard, don’t fight a shutdown. It’ll just cause more harm to you! Besides, it’ll be over before you know it and you’ll feel much better afterwards. If you can, get to a place that’s safe and preferably sensory-friendly either alone or with someone you trust. When you feel you’re ready, take a little extra time to look after yourself. Watch a movie you like, play your favourite cosy game, or sleep! Sleep is a good one because it’s almost like shutting down the shut down. It allows that time to go by and your mind to heal without those pesky, intrusive “but what if” thoughts to interrupt the process.
If you’re a non-autistic looking for some advice on how to help your friend, family member, partner, or loved one, I also have you covered. Ask questions. When your aforementioned autistic person is not having a shutdown (I literally cannot stress that enough), ask them what helps them or their preferences! When they are experiencing a shutdown, give them some space. Let them be alone if that’s what they prefer and just check in occasionally. Don’t touch them unless you have express permission to do so. Most importantly, give them time. As long as they need. Not however long you think it should take to get through a shutdown. Forcing them out of it will just cause them so much more harm.
Meltdowns and shutdowns alike are actually important for neurodivergent people’s mental health, though they may not feel like it at the time, as they allow us to express our feelings or our stress. That’s why it’s vital that we take care of ourselves after experiencing something so vulnerable. Take as long as you need to feel like yourself again. As I say, relaxation is equally as important as working hard.
Important things to remember:
Don’t fight your shutdowns. You’ll feel so much better if you just ride it out. Trust me.
Shutdowns are perfectly normal. Please don’t ever feel ashamed of your mind and body telling you things are too much.
Every autistic person is different. That’s why it’s called a spectrum. Everyone on that spectrum will experience shutdowns differently if at all.
You are your own priority. Please take the time to look after yourself in moments of shutdowns or great stress. Try not to worry about work, responsibilities, other people or their needs, or even menial tasks. That’ll all be there when you’re ready for it.
Finally, I just wanted to reiterate, be kind to yourself. You are still and will always be golden. Treat yourself as such.
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