I think every family has a black sheep. The one that’s just a little different. In a lot of families, that can be a good thing! It means that that family member stands out. But sometimes, like in my family, it just means they’re the odd one out.

That’s me. The odd one. And for the longest time I thought that was a bad thing. Because it felt like it was! No one wanted to point out my differences when it was something positive like “Oh wow, Abbs! You have such a vivid imagination!” or “Your attention to detail is really helpful!”. They were only ever pointed out to describe me in a negative way. If I had a pound for every time I’d heard a member of my family say “you’re just weird!”, I think I would’ve moved out much sooner than I did.

It’s obvious I’m different from the rest of my family. They even treated me differently than my siblings and they’re convinced that it was to help me but all that I saw was my siblings getting special treatment and me having to work harder than them in everything. It was always me saying the wrong thing or not doing enough to help around the house when I know that I was definitely more polite than my sister and always helped out more than my brother. Now, I know I’m the eldest child and the eldest daughter, and that those two jobs both mean that I have pressure on me but throw in the fact that I; am also extremely forgetful, have sensory issues, am very particular, struggle with executive dysfunction, not very social, etc etc etc, then you have the perfect recipe for not-our-ideal-eldest-child with a side of I-constantly-disappoint-my-family-without-trying.

It did not matter how hard I tried. I could never win! I helped my parents as much as I could at home, I was the only one to offer to help my Nanna when she was cooking for our huge family, I was always as nice as I could be, I really tried not to get upset if my siblings or someone had offended me because I knew they’d just say they were joking and that I ‘can never just take a joke’. I tried my absolute hardest but it was never enough. I was always shouted at or told off for things I never understood and my mum made me out to be such a problem when I thought I was quite quiet. I did really well in school, I never did anything rebellious, I kept to myself even at home, and I really tried to avoid arguments with my siblings but my sister especially just wanted to argue about everything.

By the time I was 14, I was convinced that my family hated me. I knew they loved me because I was blood but as a person? I truly didn’t believe they even liked me. I still don’t think any of them would want to voluntarily hang out with me. I’m just too different. I have nearly a decade’s worth of diaries entries where I pour my heart out about wanting to run away, how my family would be better off without me, how I just felt so lonely and unloved but could never figure out why. I decided to only speak when spoken to and just do as I was told to the best of my ability.

Now, I’m nearly 24 and I don’t think they hate me but I know I’m definitely the odd one out. I’m still just too different. They know that I’m AuDHD but I don’t think any of my family have ever took the time to learn what that means for me. I still clash with them, especially my parents, because they still try to squeeze me into a little tiny allistic box that I simply just don’t fit in. But they don’t get why I don’t because they all fit in that box nicely. I’m begging them, at this point, to just watch a few TikToks or read a few articles to educate themselves because they’re clearly not listening to me. “Just get a job in ASDA or something, it’s easy!” “It was just a joke, Abs. Stop taking everything to heart! You’re so defensive!” “You’re just making excuses up!” I’m sick of hearing it! I’m still so angry with them. I know I’m the only one who needs to be learned about to be understood but that’s not my fault so why won’t they learn about me to understand me?

It’s hard being the odd one out.