Being a late diagnosed AuDHD adult, I spent most of my life and all of my developmental years masking. I’d basically been supressing parts of myself for so long all because other people didn’t understand them and thought my traits were ‘weird’ or ‘disturbing’. Constantly being told as a child to stop talking so much, stop interrupting, stop being rude, stop being ‘lazy’, and much more led me to be a teenager that spent most of her time in her room, lied about being busy when I forgot to do something or couldn’t force myself to do it, barely spoke, and kept to myself. But that backfired because then it was all “Look who’s decided to come downstairs today!” and “Why do you always have an excuse for everything?”. It felt like no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for my family.

I was 20 when I began looking into Autism and ADHD. Whenever I learnt a new bit of information that sounded like me, I’d want to talk about it with my parents. I’d excitedly say things like “Because of my literal thinking, I thought rolling your eyes meant actually rolling your eyes like in a circle! Not just looking up! So, Dad, all those times you were shouting at me for rolling my eyes at you and I argued that I hadn’t, I actually hadn’t!” and they’d just give me some half-assed response or even argue with me.

I remember explaining executive dysfunction to my mum and finishing it off with “So, all these years you thought I was lazy, I wasn’t! It’s not that I didn’t want to do what you asked, it’s just that I couldn’t force myself to do it no matter how hard I tried! I actually used up more energy trying to do it than I would’ve if I had done the task.” and my mum quite confidently said “I’d argue that still meant you were being lazy.” Mum would even sometimes respond with “We don’t even know if you are definitely autistic or ADHD because you haven’t been diagnosed! What if they say you aren’t?” but was quite happy to jokingly call me ‘Autismo’ (It wasn’t maliciously, I actually came up with the joke.) when I wasn’t bringing up my research findings.

I don’t know what I expected to be honest. I was hoping they’d realise their mistake and say “We’re so sorry for calling you lazy and useless! We promise to never scream at you ever again!” and I’d heal. Maybe if I got diagnosed, that would help? You can’t argue with cold, hard evidence and a diagnosis was just that. I sincerely thought that being diagnosed would force them to listen, to do their own research, to ask me questions! How wrong I was.

My dad just doesn’t seem to like anything he doesn’t understand. If it has nothing to do with him, he doesn’t concern himself with it even if that includes his daughter’s diagnosis. He recognises that it’s important to me because he normally says something along the lines of “Well, we’re all a little bit autistic aren’t we?” which I know he doesn’t mean any harm by and he thinks he’s making me feel better but… that’s a post for another day. My mum, however, loves to say “I know you better than you know yourself!” which just isn’t true. Besides the fact that I learned very early on in life to not tell my mum everything (I mean, who does?), I don’t even know everything about me! How my brain works and everything in it? I’m still learning about it! It’s impossible that my mum knows me better than I know myself because I don’t remember ever feeling like I could share the most sincere or vulnerable parts of myself with her.

The thing is, my family; parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. don’t have a clue about auDHD or what that means. They don’t know about sensory issues, meltdowns, special interests, executive dysfunction, or how any of my traits affect me. They recognise that I’m different to the rest of them but they will not accommodate that! Nor will they do their research on it unless I absolutely break down and beg.

Mum says things like “Oh but I already know you so well!” or “But with the foster kids, I never have time!” (who’s making excuses now?) and it’s like none of them realise just how important doing a little bit of research is to me. How much it’ll benefit me. Can they blame me for feeling like they don’t care about me? I would direct them to this blog but I’m scared that my raw, unfiltered feelings that I’ve put on this site will offend them and they’ll blame me. Because they’ll never apologise. I know that much.

Research on neurodiversity, whether that be autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette’s Syndrome, etc. is so so vital to the person you are researching for. Especially if they’re like me, who spent my entire life believing I was a mistake that shouldn’t have been born, who was diagnosed at 23 years old. It’s so important because it allows them to be their true selves without that fear of being told off or ridiculed for it. My partner allows me to remove my mask and he celebrates me for all of my ‘quirkiness’ and all of my traits. But visiting my family? That mask is back on because it’s not safe to remove it. Masking is exhausting. Visiting my family is exhausting.

Research and awareness allows neurodivergent people to be themselves without shame and without fear. Being able to do so is vital to neurodivergent people’s mental health. Stop asking us to change and instead start changing the world around us to better support us. The best place to start is with yourself.