I think I’ve spent my entire adult life beating myself up over the most basic things to be honest. I’m still doing it now. I know what it is and why I am the way that I am but sometimes, I can’t help but look at people like my boyfriend, for example, and compare myself. He has a full-time job and he still comes home and has to put up with me, my mood swings, the stuff I didn’t do, the dogs, and my meltdowns because (weirdly enough) I’m exhausted.

I’m always exhausted. And I’m always jealous. Why can’t I hold a job? Why can’t I have patience? Why can’t I have the energy to work but also have a decent home life? Why can’t I just do what other people do?

It’s so draining being the way that I am. I suppose that’s why they call Autism and ADHD disabilities because they can be really debilitating! I get up, I eat, I feed the dogs, I shower, I get dressed, and then I have so little energy left that I’m lucky if I do dishes or tidy something away! I feel like I’m wasting my days and leaving the house a mess constantly because I’m just so unfathomably tired and stressed. I can’t even make a simple decision by the end of the day because I’m so tired.

Then there’s money. I cannot hold a job. I’ve really really tried but it’s just so fucking draining and my mental health just rapidly declines every time. Customer service exhausts me because I’m masking all day and having to be polite to people when they’re being horrible to me is so difficult. Even working from home. My last job was remote and I hated how I treated my partner after every shift because I would just take out all my anger and frustration on him and I hated myself for it. I was having meltdowns and panic attacks nearly every day!

I always feel so useless. Like I’m a burden to those I love because of how much help I need to do the most basic of tasks or the financial burden I’ve placed on my partner because I don’t make any money because I can’t work. Sometimes I’m convinced that they all secretly hate me and just view me as ‘lazy’. I’m not lazy! I’m just burnt out all the time.

I’m really trying to convince myself that my worth isn’t defined by how productive I am but other factors in my life always convince me otherwise. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m hoping things get better soon. I really need to get my shit together.